The Real Job Description for Network Architect

Recently, I was asked to write the Job Advertisement for my own role (yeah, per­sonal devel­op­ment thing). I just couldn’t res­ist the oppor­tun­ity to write a fol­low on to What is a CCIE ?.

—Warning Sarcasm Ahead—

Position Overview

We are look­ing for a Senior Network Engineer /​ Architect to lead our team of top notch engin­eers and devel­op­ing the next phase of our stra­tegic push into new mar­kets. You will be report­ing to man­age­ment and advising on the future dir­ec­tions and growth of our net­work, in addi­tion to per­form­ing Level 3 and 4 tech­nical sup­port with the team.

Technical Skills

You will be able to con­fig­ure any piece of net­work kit that has ever been cre­ated. And any­thing that is yet to be inven­ted. Including vendors no one has ever heard of. Of course, we can­not provide you with any resources to do this. We are too tight to buy train­ing courses or even books. You have Internet access and the manu­als are provided by the sup­plier. What else can you pos­sibly need ?

We also expect you to stay fully up to date with world best prac­tice and to be able to help us imple­ment it because we haven’t done best any­thing, ever. You will be our shin­ing light in the dark.

You should be well versed in ITIL. Someone needs to be. We don’t know what it means but it seems to be in a lot of other job descrip­tions so we thought that we had bet­ter put it in.

Design and Technical Leadership

You will have years of design and archi­tec­ture exper­i­ence. Preferably you will have worked in Service Provider, Financial, Reseller, Educational, Government, Military and Enterprise environments.

You will required to present samples of your doc­u­ment­a­tion. We can’t res­ist tak­ing a look at someone elses doc­u­ment­a­tion to steal ideas from.

You should be able to lead a team of engin­eers, provid­ing tech­nical dir­ec­tion and sup­port. Our man­agers cer­tainly can’t, so we want you to do it. We can say things like that because we make the rules.

Personal Development

We encour­age per­sonal devel­op­ment by provid­ing end­less oppor­tun­it­ies to social­ise with your work col­leagues. Since you will be work­ing late every day any­way, any per­sonal prob­lems that you have, just ask them, they can help you out any issues that you are having.

You can for­get Human Resources. We don’t know what they do, but they seem to spend a lot of time off site doing work­shops and training.

Don’t ask about train­ing budgets, Human Remorse have already spent it.

Opportunities for Promotion

Of course, if you are suc­cess­ful at your engin­eer­ing role, we will be so impressed that we will want to turn you into a Manager. An oppor­tun­ity to use your engin­eer­ing skills to man­age people is a major aspir­a­tion for all engineers.

Naturally, the fact that we are man­agers doesn’t bias our opin­ion that man­agers are the most import­ant people in the busi­ness (if not the world). We value all our employ­ees regard­less of their role or pos­i­tion, we are an equal oppor­tun­ity employer (we have man­agers and employ­ees in our company)

Our com­pany believes in pro­mot­ing from within. We usu­ally can’t find any­one stu­pid enough to take a job so this helps us find the right (or any) candidates.

Remuneration

Because we are :

1) offer­ing expos­ure to such a wide array of tech­no­lo­gies,
2) such a fant­ast­ic­ally awe­some com­pany,
3) an amaz­ingly tal­en­ted groups of managers

we think that you will actu­ally be beg­ging us to work here. In fact we are so tal­en­ted, we don’t know why we are both­er­ing with you.

We cer­tainly intend to offer you a miserly sum of money in return for the years of train­ing, ded­ic­a­tion, dili­gence and learn­ing you have put in so far.

Of course you are a unique indi­vidual, highly motiv­ated and a com­mit­ment to get­ting things done. But if we actu­ally paid you what you are worth you might not be motiv­ated to earn that pay rise.

We offer a gen­er­ous bonus scheme. No prob­lems with doub­ling or even trip­ling your bonus pack­age. After all, we have never been known to pay it. You know how it is, we can always find some­thing that you didn’t do, or some tar­get that didn’t get met, maybe the whole com­pany is head­ing down the gurgler.

Applications

Please make your applic­a­tions in writ­ing (we are not so good with those com­puter thingies) to our Human Remorse team. All applic­a­tions are con­fid­en­tial (but routinely rub­bished and laughed at when we read them of course) and treated with impartiality.

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